And I am nothing if not kind and helpful.
So I gave it a quick once-over. Originally, I thought there was some kind of "Mr. Subliminal" thing going on but, upon a second glance, it all made perfect sense:
"landscaping large garden signature w/garbage"Firstly, it's autographed by the garden, which is a nice. personal touch.
Then the garbage factor is also very positive. In a lot of these homes you have to bring in C.H.U.D.s
"sq. ft. walk in on hookups"You can let the square/conservative fraternity guys you find on Tinder walk right in, rather using the same sewer the C.H.U.D.s come in through.
"with french BR 2 amenities fully Formal stools"The casual stools might make the conservative hookups uncomfortable, hence the formal ones.
"an maple flooring downstairs practice size"Basically to see if you like the size. Then you can extend the room.
"built in center breakfast schools"You will learn to make a proper brunch!
"the home unbelievable subdivision living You energy right at open mature installed"If you put positive vibes out, a horny MILF might move in.
"storage patio gourmet bountiful bedrooms Contemporary close landscaped mattresses"Mattresses are hotbeds of public hair. The aforementioned celebrity garden will also find someone to "landscape" your mattress.
"cabinets screened Linens"Do you want to put linens on your bed that have not properly been screened? I think not!
Happy to be of assistance, PODestrian Crossing!
Want more Craigslist translations? Listen to the podcast!
Latest episode (next one's coming up soon!): A Craigslist poster tries to sell us on perverted therapy and another has a longing prelude to sex (maybe). Plus: voice-over ads and a crime news article. Episode 119.
Monica Hamburg - "Dazed and Convicted"
Twitter: @monicahamburg @dazedconvicted