91 - Horsevenge vs Free Car Downfall

We’ve established that criminals aren’t the best at planning – but even the dumbest of the dumb wouldn’t have sex with a mammal as a revenge ploy? Or try to pin their crime on a very generous mystery man?

Proving once again that FTs are in a class all their own…

We’re so grateful that Jamie Lissow is here to unravel the mysteries of these minds(?) and decide on the “FT of the Week”.

Plus: The foolproof cure for hiccups!
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---Information and Links ---

Site: DazedandConvicted.com

Channel

We're part of the Pod Awful Channel.  Podawful.net

Host 

• Monica Hamburg

Co-Host

• Bill Allman

Guest Judge 

• Jamie Lissow's site: JamieLissow.com
• He's on Twitter: @jamielissow  
• And on YouTube: Youtube.com/user/hahahaveryfunny 

Special Appearance 

• Our friend, "Malox The Mighty Expositor", in several sketch roles.

Info

• This week's stories: Horsevenge, Free Car Downfall. Plus: Hiccup Cure.

Related episodes

• Last week, on Episode 90, people who will stop at nothing to get their kink on! 90 - I Can’t Get No Trailerfaction
• Full episode & guest list here: http://www.dazedandconvicted.com/p/full-guest-list_4.html

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GENERAL SHOW NOTES

GET IT. FAST.

Subscribe:

• Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/DazedAndConvicted
• New iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dazed-convicted-formerly-s/id436670413
• On Stitcher: http://stitcher.com/listen.php?fid=19756
• Via Email (see: http://www.dazedandconvicted.com/p/subscribe.html)

FIND

More snarky and weird content via:

• Twitter: @DazedConvicted
• Facebook: Facebook.com/DazedandConvicted
• Newsletter: http://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg
• I'm also on: the Podawful Channel Group: Facebook.com/groups/podawfulchannel/?fref=ts

YOU ARE WELCOME TO:

• Email me: monica @ dazedandconvicted.com
• Tell me your choice for "FT of the Week" - comment on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.)
• Help promote the show: http://www.dazedandconvicted.com/p/help-promote.html

THANKS TO:

Shiftypop for the theme song, interstitials and outro music. 

Calso Art for the logo/album art.

For: “Competitor 1” etc.: Voice = abcdawg 

Episode 91 uses many sounds from Freesound, for the full list see here.   

Photo below = Bright Idea by zaldy icaonapo

Episode 53 - Hell Hath No Fury Like a Man With a Peed-on Computer or a Buddy Who's Had More Sex

Things that might push you over the edge: Getting fired, your partner breaking up with you, a cat urinating on your computer, arguing about how much sex you have.  Wait, what were those last two?
This week's FTs are a baffling bunch - and the extra weirdness in the articles doesn't help things any...
So we are most grateful to Comedian Matt Davis who lends us his wit and brilliance to decide our "FT of the Week".
Plus: Spasmodic film descriptions.
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---Information and Links ---

Guest 

• Find Matt Davis at DavisComedy.com, on Facebook (Facebook.com/ComedianMattDavis) and on Twitter (@mattdavis) 
• My "bad girl" comment refers to Matt's very amusing post: "Yes, I like bad girls, Facebook. Now stop it."    

Other Joy

• Stories: violence incited by Cat Pee and Sex Talk (should the cat pee link not work here are the exceptional pics.)
• Thanks to Kevin Macleod at Incompetech.com for today’s outro theme (“Bicycle”).  He has lots of cool royalty-free music, so check it out. 
• Wonder about other FTed things that inspired violent acts...? You'll learn just how dangerous a Facebook unfriending can be on Episode 42 - "When you Friend an FT, You Friend for Life"" with Eli Braden.
• Last week, we featured... well the title sums up the prime FTery on display: "Episode 52 A Loving Pastor and Killer vs. A Cheesemaking Murderer and Politician!" - with Sam Tripoli.
• And Derek Sheen's Kickstarter project is at: http://kck.st/dereksheen.  Actually, less than 5 days to go! Make a pledge!  (Derek's episode with us is #50, btw.)

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SUBSCRIBE!

• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: ever positive rating for us - is a vote for freedom and judgement.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FT action! We post more morons and weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants

CONTACT/FIND US:

Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Get our (coming eventually) newsletter https://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg for additional weirdness!   
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter )
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants
You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll below)
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Episode 52 - A Loving Pastor and Killer vs. A Cheesemaking Murderer and Politician!

Making it on one job is next to impossible. That's why it's difficult to blame these guys for doing double (and triple-duty) - although they might have chosen their second job better.  This week, we have a man who spread the word of God, the ladies legs, and killed one of his parishioners. But is he more or less of a FT than a former murder, now a politician and cheesemaker, who posts an ad trying to have some people eaten?  
It's a mind-boggling choice - and that's why we're thrilled to have Sam Tripoli (of The Naughty Show) to help us crown the "FT of the Week".
Plus: Spam waxes poetic.
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---Information and Links ---

Guest 

• Find Sam Tripoli at Samtripoli.com on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/samtripoli) and on Twitter (@SamTripoli)
• "The Naughty Show" (Deathsquad.tv/?cat=22) is also Twitter (@NaughtyShow) and Facebook 
• "Punch Drunk" can be found at: Toadhopnetwork.com/f/Punch

Other Joy

• Stories: Pastor Love and Kill and Cheesy Murdering Politician 
• Outro Music: The Clemence Mosley Consort ("Crooked House") From the album “MacGuffin”  (iTunes)  - Thank you! 
• Another violent FT named Love was featured on: Episode 36 - "Those 10 Minutes of Freedom Were Pleasant But I'm Ready to Go Back" with Matt Koff.  
• Last week, we had two guys who required more training on the basics of criminal escapades... Episode 51 - "Call The Cops on Yourself or Arrange a Trade with Your Victims" - with Chris Gore.

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SUBSCRIBE!

• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: ever positive rating for us - is a vote for freedom and judgement.)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

GET MORE FT action! We post more morons and weird content on:

Twitter: @rantmehard
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants

CONTACT/FIND US:

Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Get our (coming eventually) newsletter https://tinyletter.com/monicahamburg for additional weirdness!   
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter )
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  
Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants
You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll below)
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Episode 45 - The Best Defense is a Good... Lie About Yogurt or Ghosts

If you kill (or try to kill) someone and don't want to cop to it, you could always go with the old-stand-by: "It wasn't me". But as we've learned, FTs are nothing if not creative.
Why not use your urge for dairy products as an alibi or blame a ghost for the crime! The possibilities for FT lies are infinite!
We are thrilled to have Comedian Chris Laker on the show to lend his expertise in deciding the "FT of the Week".
Plus: we have a guy who has mastered both chewing and oral sex...

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Links and Info:

• Find Chris Laker: at ChrisLaker.com, on Twitter (@chrislaker), at Douchechillz.com and on The New York City Crime Report with Pat Dixon. 
• Stories: Yogurt, Ghost.  
• Deep and meaningful oral sex instructional.
• Thanks to Kevin Macleod at Incompetech.com for today’s outro theme (“Professor and the Plant”).
• Hear more FT creativity in action in: "Episode 37" Door-to-door Sexman vs. Maternity Wear Pickup Artist" with Monica's mom.
• Robbery is hard! Discover just how hard in "Episode 44 - Buy Back Your Gun From Your Victims or Withdraw Money from the Bank You Just Tried to Rob" with Dave Ross?
 

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• SUBSCRIBE!
• Rate and Review us on iTunes (remember: e a positive review for us will mean you'll be fully protected from rabid vaginas when they inevitably attack!)
• (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here).  
• We're also on Stitcher Radio! 

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GET MORE FTs! We post more weird content on:
Twitter: @rantmehard
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants
CONTACT/FIND US:
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter )
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)
Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.
Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants
You can place your VOTE!
For your choice for "FT of the Week". (See poll above)
(You are also welcome to comment about them on Twitter, Facebook, via email etc.) 

Episode 34 - What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!

Did you know that showing your goods to someone else can improve your life?  What would you say if I told you that touching yourself would improve your vocal range?  Or that using sex toys in front of your doctor would help you feel better about your body? Would you say, "That sounds reasonable"?  Sure you would.
Trying to figure out the biggest FT of these is taking way too much out of us.  So we turn our Guest Judge, the great Glen Tickle of "Pretending to be on TV" who helps us determine our "FT of the Week".
And: Monica reads a subtle, realistic script...

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• Watch Glen's show PretendingtoBeonTV.com which seems to not be on television.  Follow Glen on Twitter (@glentickle) and his show on Facebook. 
• Please vote for your choice for "FT of the Week" (Use the poll, comment, twitter us, Facebook us, email us etc.  Links below.)
   
• And if you're wondering where to find the "house-call doctor" we refer to in this episode, that's in #27 "Doctor Fondler and the Facebook Oral Prankster!". 

Subscribe
, please! And rate/review us on iTunes (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here). 

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  

Twitter: @rantmehard
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants 
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter )
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants  

2012 New Year Bonus: How to Improve Your Home... and Your Family Ties...

This is a special bonus feature.  Happy New Year! Enjoy this uber-plausible Family Ties/Home Improvement erotica. 
And, if you care for more hideous pseudo-sexiness:

• In Episode 19: A disturbing J-Lo story 
• In Episode 13: A tale with a beret (how can that be awful?) 
• In Episode 10: This Backstreat Boys... novel... which was billed as an erotic story but contains no sex 
• One with a celeb and gorilla lust .... 
• Memoir of the Massive Man Missile.  A tremendously well-written tale. 

 

Subscribe, please! And rate/review us on iTunes (Use any podcast service to subscribe - feed is here). 

Tell your inappropriate friends about us: rantmehard.com.  

Twitter: @rantmehard /
Facebook: Facebook.com/sandmrants / 
Voicemail line: via Skype: rantmehard Rant us! Good and hard!  /
Email: info @ rantmehard.com  (or shane@ or monica@ rantmehard.com )/
Shane Birley: Shanesworld.ca (@ShaneBee on Twitter ) /
Monica Hamburg: YourDoseofLunacy.com (@MonicaHamburg on Twitter)  Our Google+ Page: gplus.to/sandmrants 

Episode 19 - Don't Stare At The Dog & Pony Show

We talk about how body building pictures can get you killed and why you never look at anyone on a bus. We also talk about stuffing lobsters in your pants and Monica reads a very un-erotic JLo sex story. Our guest is Bill Allman who judges the FTs with legal precision.

Would you like to sponsor The S&M Rants podcast? You should e-mail us!
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe on iTunes!

Episode 14 - Calling Mom About Ambitious FTs and Righting a Wrong With Taco Bell Wrappers

This week Monica's mom makes a special appearance. We talk about FTs who really make an effort, how Taco Bell commemorates your victim's death, and Shane doles out "SHANE'S LAW!".
Thank you to:

• What Duvet Said... (Rob & Jason) and Succotash Show (Marc).
• Courtesy Flush (Monica's on this episode.)
• Sad Clown Radio
• ...and to Beth Snow who reviewed us (very nciely!) on her blog.

Would you like to sponsor The S&M Rants podcast? You should e-mail us!
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe on iTunes!

Episode 13 - The Beret Is Askew When You Kill A Drunk. Have Fun.

We talk about being inappropriate, really bad planning FTs, and an awful, awful piece of erotica in which a character wears a beret.

Would you like to sponsor The S&M Rants podcast? You should e-mail us!
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe on iTunes!

Episode 12 - When Not Mating With A Gold Diggin' Diva, Check Your Tupperware Containers

We talk about a crazy inmate and his sister, a bad John, free oral sex in Lousiville for some Gold Diggin Divas.

Would you like to sponsor The S&M Rants podcast? You should e-mail us!
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe on iTunes!

Episode 11 - How Viagra Can Set Your House Ablaze While You Self-Service

We talk about the blame game, thanking your fantasies, and about THE MONEY MAN! THE MONEY MONEY MAN!

Would you like to sponsor The S&M Rants podcast? You should e-mail us!
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe on iTunes!

Episode 9 - Invading Your Dreams With Necrophilia

We talk about seducing women through their dreams, self-referencial rappers, and vote on the necrophilia dimwit of the week.

Episode 8 - Get Ready For This

You won't believe what we talk about this time because we're bad, yeah, with the microphone biz.

Episode 5 - Japanese Toilets & Kitty Sex

We talk about [rear] lamp patents and bunk bed sex. For reals.